GDG- Newspaper Headlines

[Edward F Smothers]

I thought you all might get a kick of this. I subscribe to Townhall.com. 
This is what, if the Battle of Gettysburg were to happen today and how the 
local newspapers might report it:
Enjoy!!


Meade Triumphantly Crushes Lee 
Late reports today indicates that Maj. General George Meade has engineered 
a crushing defeat of the treacherous Southern rebels in a battle that is a 
mirror-image of Fredericksburg, except this time, it was the our glorious 
soldiers in blue who had the stone wall. Battlefield dispatches from a 
railroad junction named Gettysburg, the seat of Adams County, suggests 
that General Robert Lee had three of his top division commanders, Maj. 
Gen. George Pickett from Lt. Gen. James Longstreet's First Corps, along 
with Brig. Gen. J. Johnston Pettigrew, and Maj. Gen. Isaac R. Trimble 
leading troops from Lt. Gen. A.P. Hill's Third Corps, assault the central 
position of the Union Army on a ridge under the command of II Corps? Maj. 
Gen. Winfield S. Hancock. 
We do not know as of now what inspired Lee to make such a charge across an 
entire mile with both Emmitsburg Road, a trough and farm fencing as 
obstacles that disrupted the line of march. We are advised that 
immediately preceding the charge, starting at approximately 1 PM, there 
was a massive artillery barrage first from the rebels, answerable by the 
Union. We are then told that General Meade ordered our Union guns to 
silence to draw out what in reality was to be this massive Confederate 
charge, all hiding in the woods on what is locally known as Seminary 
Ridge, our defenders situated on the high ground known as Cemetery Ridge. 
We also know at this time is that casualties are massive, indeed almost 
incomprehensible. Hot wire reports suggests that civilians are compelled 
to bury dead soldiers where they fell, a highly unusual protocol. 
There remains considerable debate as to why Lee ventured off course as all 
intelligence strongly indicates his objective was Harrisburg, the state 
capital of the Great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, which obviously has 
provided more troops in blue, more revenue and more arms than any other of 
the Union States and which universal Republican sentiment remains 
unchallenged. Pennsylvania, unlike New York State, has incurred no civil 
disturbance or unrest from hoodlums staging so-called draft riots. It is 
all the more ironic, that while the Irish immigrants are blamed for 
unrest, particularly in the southern precincts of New York City, we hear 
it is a regiment of Irish immigrants primarily from Philadelphia who 
suffered the brunt of the rebels? fatalistic assault. Although obviously 
unconfirmed, the 69th Pennsylvania appears to have suffered losses of not 
less than 50% and perhaps even greater in scale. May God hold each of 
these Brave and Gallant men in His hand! 
In any respect, Republican Governor Andrew Curtin, being spared the Great 
disruption that a rebel invasion of his Commonwealth would have entailed, 
remains as politically strong as ever. Curtin is the President?s confident 
since convening the Loyal War Governors' Conference last September 24-25 
which among other items, resulted in removing the utterly incompetent 
General George McClellan, who was nothing but ruinous disaster for our 
Great Cause of Saving the Union. Curtin?s leadership will remain unabated 
in pursuing the goals of the aforementioned Conference "to continue in the 
most vigorous exercise of all our lawful powers, contending against 
treason, rebellion, and the public enemies until final victory and 
unconditional submission." It is noteworthy, although we suspect Lee would 
have no foreknowledge, that Gettysburg constitutes a major portion of 
House Ways and Means Chairman Thaddeus Steven?s 9th Congressional 
District. 
Meade?s victory also strikes a severe blow at Copperheads in every hamlet. 
Former Democratic Congressman Clement Laird Vallandigham, who despite 
Lincoln?s merciful commutation of his well-deserved punishment at the 
hands of military tribunal , persists running as Governor of the Great 
State of Ohio after being nominated 411-11 by treasonous Democrats. His 
rants that Northern states should succeed from the Union if our glorious 
leader, the President, refuses to negotiate with the rebels, is now dead 
for all intents and purposes. Democratic Congressman Daniel Wolsey 
Voorhees, another Copperhead, will be constrained to answer to his 
constituents for such shamefully disloyal political views. We trust this 
victory at Gettysburg will wrest control of the legislatures of Illinois 
and Indiana from the Copperheads this fall and back into the hands of 
Republicans who believe no man should be enslaved. 
We furthermore suspect the Knights of the Golden Circle have, like Lee and 
his rebel terrorists have been dealt a final, fatal blow. Attorney General 
Edward Bates should investigate forthwith reports of shockingly disgusting 
Democratic scam artists who infiltrated a significant portion of the North 
selling Pennsylvania Dutch farmers $1 tickets issued by the Knights of the 
Golden Circle for a dollar, which along with a series of secret hand 
gestures, were to immunize the farmers and their the possessions and 
horses from seizure by invading Confederate soldiers. What next will the 
Democrats think!

Ed Smothers